After over ten years of popularity, Royal Road, the popular game made by Unicorn Co. is losing its popularity. In an effort to revive Royal Road, Unicorn Co. has decided to add a new continent, the Continent of Reims! But that's not the end of it! Along with a new continent has come a new policy of integrating everyday life into Royal Road, starting with education. But what will happen when this policy allows a mentally scarred orphan to participate in Royal Road? And what if this scar originated from Royal Road's problems? And are all the problems truly solved?
[RoyalRoad] Continent of Reims - Proluge
[RoyalRoad] Continent of Reims - Chapter 1
[RoyalRoad] Continent of Reims - Chapter 2
[RoyalRoad] Continent of Reims - Chapter 3
[RoyalRoad] Continent of Reims - Chapter 4
[RoyalRoad] Continent of Reims - Chapter 5
You wrote something about feedback...
ReplyDeleteNote that english is not my native language.
While not with english, i was still born with my mind, so i just cannot preach about your vocabulary and grammar.
It shouldn't be much of a problem in other areas.
a)
The start should be more dynamic. Not like one sentence
to imagine yourself in the position of the main character,
then all the (inner) description and then 5. describe your short-term goals...
I think you could make the description
b)
“I would die before allowing you to retake the test.”
“… Could that perhaps be arranged?” (Now some inner thoughts?)
“GET OUT!”
(so that all of them will not be now)
>you see, you could more switch between thoughts and conversation,
since now it is like: conversation/thoughts/conversation/...
it would be more flexible.
c)
You could make the main character not cause of everything,
but describe it from other angle. Example:
"But he slowly reached his goal: the vent in the administrator’s office. He smiled.
It just wouldn’t be worth it to think of witty answers if I don’t get to hear how the administrators react to them."
It could be like this:
"But he slowly reached his goal: the vent in the administrator’s office. A thin smile crossed his face.
It just wouldn’t be worth it to think of witty answers if I don’t get to hear how the administrators react to them."
When you describe the actions of main character you already have enough problems to not include "he"
and things such as that in every second sentence, so you could make yourself life an easier place
and when you have the chance describe it from the viewpoint of the things around/on/for him.
d)
Congratulations for making Sean, who does not enjoy fighting. It's a pleasing difference
from the original novel and other fanfics.
e)
I thought the character creation in chapter two was funny.
Regarding the chapter two, i think it was much better than the previous one.
It felt like you did chapter one to make the necessary background
and then you felt alive writing chapter two.
I think if you could write chapter one and feel alive too, it could be much better.
You were really original. The learning of handicraft was good. :-)
f)
“Then can you please treat me as a woman?”
This caught the elder completely off guard. ... :D
Your hero has his own "style of intelligence".
Somehow, i was not surprised at all when he said this,
but it was really funny. Some writers make the mistake,
that the main characer thinks depending on the writing
and what they need him to accomplish. Not his motivation.
You seem to be good at this.
g)
I am not sure, if he could leran freeze like that.
More like they did it repeatedly and then he learned ice magic lvl one...?
I would not object if this was being your writing, but if you want
to make it with the rules of the original novel, it maybe isn't so good.
You mentioned something regarding this in the foreword, so i think you know.
h)
in chapter five... i really think it's an alchemist, not an alchemer.
I tried to google and it actually found something, but...
it seems to be some kind of a weapon in some game.
Pavel
I think i myself learned some things too
while making this.
In a) i forgot to write more.
ReplyDeleteI thought about how to make sure you get it and ended up
rewriting the beginning. So here it is:
/the original/
Why the hell have I been getting so many psychology tests recently? Sean thought for the thousandth time.
He sighed and looked at the ceiling. He had come to the orphanage a number of years ago. It was not his first.
It would probably not be his last. He’d run away after he found he could not be accepted by his peers.
He was just too different. Too smart to fit in with the lowest of the orphanage’s food chain.
Too moral to fit in with the top. And too determined to fit in with the odds and ends inbetween.
Heck, even his name set him apart; unlike his fellow orphans, he had no last name. No traces of a family.
Even they at least have a trace of family. For me, it’s almost as if I appeared out of nowhere.
Hell, it might be better if I truly had. Sean frowned at the thought.
But his frown soon turned to a smile as he answered the next question.
5. Describe your short term goals
I will break Jonathan L’tevski’s left leg with my bare hands.
This was what had set him apart from even the biggest misfits at the orphanage. Once he vowed to do something,
he would do it, or die trying. And after Jon had poured a bucket of manure over his head,
he had vowed to break his left leg with his hands. Jon was saved, after a number of attempts,
because he turned eighteen and had to leave the orphanage.
/rewritten, obviously a little bit in my style,/
/but it's so it will be obvious what i intend to say/
The sound of a pen did accompany every question
Sean had before him in the psychological test.
The next one about his short term goals was no exception.
Just the answer he made without any hesitation
gave away his unyielding nature:
>I will break Jonathan L’tevski’s left leg with my bare hands.<
This kind of mindset set him apart from even the biggest misfits at the orphanage.
Once he vowed to do something, he would do it, or die trying.
And after Jon had poured a bucket of manure over his head, he had vowed to do this.
(Jon /was leaving?/leaved him with/)
There was no other choice, even if he/Jon already did leave the orphanage. After a quick look at the ceiling, he resumed his attention to the paper.
Not the last nor first he had to complete in not the last nor first orphanage he is at.
>And like this you even don't have to write so much about the orphanage,
because it will be given to the reader itself.
It's easier to start with "what is happening" and write from that point of view,
than "what is the history of X". You don't have to reveal everything about
your character early with the thought "it will be then easier for me
to write the story". It's the other way around: you will have then some surprise elements
which will bring readers to the belief, that the character is alive and not set in stone.
Pavel
Good luck
a) Reveal everything about my character? You drastically underestimate my innate ability to troll readers. Also, one of the purposes of showing character at the beginning is that it also allows me to show how the character changes. I do not plan to keep my characters static.
Deleteb) To be picky, you picked a horrific example to demonstrate your point. If I were to explain thought processes in the middle of a joke, it could easily ruin the joke. But I will keep that in mind. I can use that in a number of different areas.
c) I'll keep that one in mind too :)
d) Thanks! But if you think that's the end, prepare to be trolled...
e) Hehe... (blush)
f) fishes.
g) I think it could be done. There are a few ways to learn skills, and this fits under the "taught by another" way. Therefore, I believe it is fully reasonable.
h) Yea, it's alchemist.
Also, it's fine that English is not your native language! Technically, English isn't even the native language of America. Only of England.
DeleteIt made me feel like you argue with me a little.
ReplyDeleteIt was for you so you have some feedback
and for me so i can be more conscious of some things
in my writing. :-)
I do not plan on being a professional critic,
so i made some mistakes like the one you spotted in b).
I am glad i could be still of some help to both of us.
I did this, because i myself wrote here something
to get the feedback so i could write better,
but thanks to you i had a moment of englightement :D,
that i just need to do that for others and
rewrite some /from my perspective/ paragraphs which could be better.
I don't have to think of a plot, because i just can pick a fanfic and start re-writing.
I noticed (of course i already managed to do
more than that one here),
that i can learn at least twice as fast this way,
than when i just write something.
For me it is like a realization upon realization,
what could be better when i write and so on.
And it's highly effective, too.
If anyone is reading this, i highly recommend this method.
I kept it for myself in other fanfics i used for this,
but you actually wrote something about feedback.
I am getting fast
better at this, so maybe in prologue vol. 2 it will be
more accurate even if i won't proofread my post.
:-)
Pavel